Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
You Might Also Like
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.