Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
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Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Good morning y’all ☀️
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.