BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
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This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store