When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
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WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
ME: Hi I’d like to check my balance
BANK TELLER: *shoves me*
I killed my twin because she wouldn’t admit that she was the evil one.
Scene: I’m sitting on an airplane
A guy returning from the bathroom steadies himself by placing his hand on the overhead bin as he walks by my seat and…
A piece of toilet paper falls off his hand and lands on me.
Do I set myself on fire?
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife: that’s fair.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.