@notacroc

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

@BuckyIsotope

WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys

@Kali_Mura

I killed my twin because she wouldn’t admit that she was the evil one.

@Scottcrates

Scene: I’m sitting on an airplane

A guy returning from the bathroom steadies himself by placing his hand on the overhead bin as he walks by my seat and…

A piece of toilet paper falls off his hand and lands on me.

Do I set myself on fire?

@DrainBamagedHD

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

@Midgetspar

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

@TheTrueDocLove

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

@NewDadNotes

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.

@Darlainky

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.