Her: 911, what’s your emerge-
Me: SOMEONE’S WEARING CROCS!
Her: Sir, that’s not an em-
Me: WITH A FANNY PACK!
Her: I’ll send an officer.
Boss: It’s your time to shine, son.
Me: *arriving late for my shoe cleaning job once again* Sorry sir.
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Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
COPS: WE’RE COMIN IN
“have a police dog?”
“only the dog can come in”
“my house, my rules”
COP: I guess that’s true
[3 days after technology lets us wear snapchat filters all the time]
me: why didn’t your eyes turn into hearts when I got home today
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
People who say “life doesn’t come with a set of instructions” obviously haven’t heard of the Kama Sutra.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Noah build an ark
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks