@AllanForsyth

Boss: It’s your time to shine, son.

Me: *arriving late for my shoe cleaning job once again* Sorry sir.

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@shkeeber

Her: 911, what’s your emerge-

Me: SOMEONE’S WEARING CROCS!

Her: Sir, that’s not an em-

Me: WITH A FANNY PACK!

Her: I’ll send an officer.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

@Reverend_Scott

COPS: WE’RE COMIN IN

“have a police dog?”

COPS: YES

“only the dog can come in”

COP: BUT-

“my house, my rules”

COP: I guess that’s true

@iamspacegirl

[3 days after technology lets us wear snapchat filters all the time]

me: why didn’t your eyes turn into hearts when I got home today

@nevernicethings

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

@Paxochka

People who say “life doesn’t come with a set of instructions” obviously haven’t heard of the Kama Sutra.

@PaperWash

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

@dumbbeezie

My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school

@online_shawn

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks