In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
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Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No