My niece said I look like a mom. So now we’re playing a game, sorta like Hide-N-Seek, except I hide her and no one finds her. Ever.
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Yes my dude
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
God: you’re very small.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
Ant: can I lift a car?
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Just saw a one star review for a restaurant and all it said was “never been there.” Thanks William, super helpful.
cats be 9 years old no school no job just in the house meowing