You Might Also Like

@ReeseButCallMeV

My niece said I look like a mom. So now we’re playing a game, sorta like Hide-N-Seek, except I hide her and no one finds her. Ever.

@capnmcfword

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

@Storminika

The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.

@Tmoney68

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

@blade_funner

Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?

@IamEveryDayPpl

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

@Average_Dad1

Just saw a one star review for a restaurant and all it said was “never been there.” Thanks William, super helpful.