[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
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Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*