“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”

“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”

“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”

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Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.


[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.


‘LSD makes users lose weight’

That makes sense, it’s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there’s a dragon guarding it.


I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club


Skinny friend: Bananas are super high in sugar. Why would you eat them if you want to lose weight?

Me: Good point.

*Grabs Kit Kat


Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.


doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day


Turns out the easiest way to piss of a vegan is to refer to their veganism as their “eating disorder”.


The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?