“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
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“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head