Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
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Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
‘LSD makes users lose weight’
That makes sense, it’s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there’s a dragon guarding it.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Skinny friend: Bananas are super high in sugar. Why would you eat them if you want to lose weight?
Me: Good point.
*Grabs Kit Kat
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Turns out the easiest way to piss of a vegan is to refer to their veganism as their “eating disorder”.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?