The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Boss: John, tell me your greatest weakness
B: I don’t think that’s a weakness
M: I don’t give a shit what you think.
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THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Why are pilots so honest? Keep those maintenance issues quiet. I want lies, frankly. “We’re delayed because we’re winning a safety award.”
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Some people have sex to make a baby but I prefer the old fashioned way of capturing a wild baby, and that’s how I ended up in jail
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
I can’t diet because it would devastate the local fast food economy, and frankly, I just don’t think I could live with that kind of guilt.
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy