She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
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I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants