Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
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Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
2022 be like
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move