@turtledumplin

Boss left his email open.
Me: *looks around, send email to district manager “i love you”

Now we wait

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@roxiqt

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”

@StinkyGr33n

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

@gavinmind

me: can I go on your yacht?
friend: no
me: why nacht?
friend: your texts are annoying
me: that’s what I thacht πŸ™

@Chumpstring

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search

@Midgetspar

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

@GlennWool

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

@Cravin4

My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff

@_coryrichardson

me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD… a pretty huge d-

her: Don’t say it, im leaving

[later]

me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn’t like dolphins

@writeden

Me: Hear me out. Blood is thicker than water, right? But so is mustard.

Surgeon: How did you get in here

@GrowlyGrego

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.