Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Boss left his email open.
Me: *looks around, send email to district manager “i love you”
Now we wait
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Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
me: can I go on your yacht?
me: why nacht?
friend: your texts are annoying
me: that’s what I thacht 🙁
COP: step outta the car
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD… a pretty huge d-
her: Don’t say it, im leaving
me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn’t like dolphins
Me: Hear me out. Blood is thicker than water, right? But so is mustard.
Surgeon: How did you get in here
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.