@WilliamAder

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”

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@JayUhOh

If you’re out and you see a donkey, say “hey, come here donkey.” He might not come but if he does, free donkey

@ixix82

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!

@Dutch_50

Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.

@SuperRandomish

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

@WhatsHerFace33

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.

@AbbyHasIssues

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

@Heaterhotusus

“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”

-my dog, when I wax

@Elizasoul80

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

@Smooheed

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

@GingerHotDish

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.