If you’re out and you see a donkey, say “hey, come here donkey.” He might not come but if he does, free donkey
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
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280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.