My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
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*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
hmmm
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.