Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

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Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.


Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.


I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”


This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.


“No, there’s no way!”

I totally could

“No you couldn’t!”

*slams the rest of his beer* I can and I will

-the first guy to ride an ostrich


BF: Will you marry me?
GF: Do we have to live together?


Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down


I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!


He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.


Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.