@icrushedmyhalo

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

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@SteveKoehler22

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

@thesulk

When I call 911, I’m gonna do a Sean Connery impersonation to briefly amuse the jurors at my trial.

@daveexplosm

If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4

@thesupergrobi

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

@LemmingDad

Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.

@Sassafrantz

Relationship Status: I ate 7 bananas trying to get the new guy at work to notice me.

@dumbbeezie

The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again

@Amusitr0n

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

@TheAlexNevil

How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?

@Pro_Jones_

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*