Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

You Might Also Like


Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.


When I call 911, I’m gonna do a Sean Connery impersonation to briefly amuse the jurors at my trial.


If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4


My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.


Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.


Relationship Status: I ate 7 bananas trying to get the new guy at work to notice me.


The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again


My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock


How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?


ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*