Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
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My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Go hard or stay average
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny