BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
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When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles