@TheWriteStuff2u

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

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@Staggfilms

The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

@DamienFahey

“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6

@JohnLyonTweets

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”

@markydoodoo

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

@dafloydsta

NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?

@Petote

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

@scot7a

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

@carlyken

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

@jdforshort

There are some problems in life that can be solved with chocolate….others require a full clip and a shovel.