Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
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Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.