@Rollmaninoz

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go

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@Home_Halfway

Just got back from running 10 miles! Okay, 7 miles. FINE 3 miles. Or…1 mile. Okay okay I ran a block. Jogged. Walked. I fell off my couch.

@NurseMurderer

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

@ItsMeAshleyWee

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

@duplicitron

Where do I see myself in ten years? I don’t know. Let me think. *pictures self riding jet ski made of bones through space*

@sixfootcandy

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

@AimeeHelene1

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

@TheTweetOfGod

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

@3sunzzz

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.

@thesqueezysloth

Someone broke into my house and all they stole was my limbo stick. Like, seriously?! How low can you go?