@Lin_Baker
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
@Rollmaninoz
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
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@Lin_Baker
@KimmyMonte
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
@GibJimson
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
@SCbchbum
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
@liv_thatsme
“Got a dog.”
Me:WHAT BREED? WHAT COLOR? WHAT’S HIS NAME? HOW BIG ARE HIS PAWS? IS HE A GOOD BOY? DOES HE SNUGGLE?
“Had a baby.”
Me: cool.
@ChipKellysBalls
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
@LurkAtHomeMom
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
@shkeeber
Me: *puts ferret in box with cat*
Mom: What are you doing?
Me: Making carrets!
Mom: Carrots?
Me: Yup! *plays Barry White*
Cat: *yowls*
@QuiteTheCurious
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.