Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
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Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Meow
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Owl Sanctuary
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.