He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
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If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
[filling out job application]
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
“Got a dog.”
Me:WHAT BREED? WHAT COLOR? WHAT’S HIS NAME? HOW BIG ARE HIS PAWS? IS HE A GOOD BOY? DOES HE SNUGGLE?
“Had a baby.”
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Me: *puts ferret in box with cat*
Mom: What are you doing?
Me: Making carrets!
Me: Yup! *plays Barry White*
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.