@Rollmaninoz

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go

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@tbhjuststop

using microsoft word

*moves an image 1 mm to the left*

all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.

@david8hughes

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

@MommySatirical

“I do not negotiate with little kids”

My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted

@heatherlou_

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

@TheIronSherk

Learned today that it’s about 12 min after realizing there’s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are

@Browtweaten

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

@randypaint

the bachelor: i will date twenty four other women in front of ur face

contestant: ok

the bachelor: u can’t get jealous tho

contestant: i mean i feel like i might get jealous

the bachelor: lol ok katie

contestant: it’s jennifer

@ddsmidt

*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*

Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend

@huntigula

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

@Browtweaten

*Deserted Island*

Other Survivor: We should only use our water for emergencies

Me: *waiting for my sponge dinosaurs to expand* Agreed