@Rollmaninoz

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go

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@Lin_Baker

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO

@KimmyMonte

If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.

@SCbchbum

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

@liv_thatsme

“Got a dog.”

Me:WHAT BREED? WHAT COLOR? WHAT’S HIS NAME? HOW BIG ARE HIS PAWS? IS HE A GOOD BOY? DOES HE SNUGGLE?

“Had a baby.”

Me: cool.

@ChipKellysBalls

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

@LurkAtHomeMom

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

@shkeeber

Me: *puts ferret in box with cat*

Mom: What are you doing?

Me: Making carrets!

Mom: Carrots?

Me: Yup! *plays Barry White*

Cat: *yowls*

@QuiteTheCurious

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.