WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
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[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar