Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
You Might Also Like
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?