Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
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To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
🤣✨#caturday
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?