Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
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Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Mornin
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”