-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

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I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.


Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !


Ran into the guy who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.


you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.


Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.


I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.


Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.


Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room