-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
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My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car