BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
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I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
men, we mow at sunrise.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Best mom ever 😂
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking