Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
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maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
channeling her this year
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.