Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
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Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
*points to refrigerator*
That makes things cold
*points to stove*
That makes things hot
*points to self*
That makes things awkward
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.