BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
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Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.