Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
You Might Also Like
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand