boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
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It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Good advice.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere