[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
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dictator is short for richard potato
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!