Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
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Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.