my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
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Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.