Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
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[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.