Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
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“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.