@trojansauce

BOSS: tell me about susanne
ME: *takes a drag of cigarette* ah, the one that got away
BOSS: you’re a zoo keeper none of them should get away

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@Stellacopter

Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

@JuliePee

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

@1followernodad

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

@thedadvocate01

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

@RedheadChaos

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

@JElvisWeinstein

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

@Vodkantots

I never said that I hated you!

All I said is that I hope you have your period when the next Sharknado comes around.

@TwoSapphiresBlu

That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.

@UncleDuke1969

? 12 drummers drumming
? 11 pipers piping
? 10 lords a leaping
? 9 ladies dancing
? 8 maids a milking
? 7 swans a swimming
? 6 geese a laying
?