BOSS: tell me about susanne
ME: *takes a drag of cigarette* ah, the one that got away
BOSS: you’re a zoo keeper none of them should get away

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You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor


Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”


Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?


[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”


When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”


“Great speech! Have you thought about giving it from behind a wooden box for some reason?” – podium salesman


An old guy at the gym told me I looked like his late wife. I’m hoping he meant while she was alive.


Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.

Or, as I call it, tweeting.


“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.


[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature