BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
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Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*