Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
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Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Breaking news:
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!