Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
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“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.