interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
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It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.