“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
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Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Poetry is my passion
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty