BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
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I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that