BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

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Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit


Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.


[showing my pool to a friend] and this is my hole, it’s where i keep too much water


I normally stay out of political talk on social media, but this is TOO FUNNY! #TacoTrucksOnEveryCorner


I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.


I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.


Interviewer: may we contact your previous employers?

[cut to the giant grave in the desert where I buried them all]

Me: lol you could try


A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD


People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”