@Brampersandon_

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

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@TheToddWilliams

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

@mc_funbags

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.

@themiltron

[showing my pool to a friend] and this is my hole, it’s where i keep too much water

@DEgan4Baseball

I normally stay out of political talk on social media, but this is TOO FUNNY! #TacoTrucksOnEveryCorner

@TheTweetOfGod

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

@AimeeHelene1

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: may we contact your previous employers?

[cut to the giant grave in the desert where I buried them all]

Me: lol you could try

@alldrolledup

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

@PaulyPeligroso

People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”