BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
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My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.