BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
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What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
If only
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right