@batkaren

BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier

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@PostCultRev

“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.

@Darlainky

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

@bornmiserable

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

@Swishergirl24

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

@prozdkp

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

@jonnysun

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

@Deirdreocx

Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?

@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.