BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
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The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.