@McGrumpenstein

BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?

BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?

- @McGrumpenstein

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@imence2

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

@TheCiscoKidder

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

@aveuaskew

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

@om_eye_goodness

my 3 year old kept saying she “wants a spirit guest & needs a spirit guest” and “has a spirit guest” and like 4 exorcisms later, i realized she was just talking about asparagus.

@iAmJuddy

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

@Thedudish

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

@Reverend_Scott

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

@YourMomsucksTho

Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.

@birbigs

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

@Jaden76

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.