BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
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Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting