BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
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“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.