BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
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If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”