Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
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Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Don’t tell me what to do
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
☺️
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
cat faces on other animals, a thread