BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
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Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Don’t snitch tag.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”