me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
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god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Well, well, well, if it isn’t my inability to cope with life.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
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Me: I’ve had a migraine for two days.
My dog: OK, I’M JUST GOING TO BARK AT EVERY LEAF OUTSIDE SO THEY’LL BE QUIET OK? BRB
sometimes i can’t believe Robert Pattinson is real