marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
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Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
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