Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
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I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?