Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
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I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.