@sincir3000

Boss: tomorrow is pajama day at work.
Me: I don’t wear pajamas
B: just wear whatever you sleep in
M: ok, you asked for it.

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@AIanHangover

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

@ckretmsage

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:3;}

@BigJDubz

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

@idigcrazychics

Easiest way to break into a moble home in a trailer park is to use a can opener.

@SentenceReduced

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

@TheAlexNevil

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.

@ermahgarton

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

@slimmy_shady

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.

@kibblesmith

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.