boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
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Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers